My journey of following a dream

It all started a few years ago when I realized that many of my favorite Christian authors and ministry leaders had something in common: they went to Fuller Theological Seminary. I had never really considered seminary for me as a serious option before because many of my church and missions leaders were negative sounding when they jokingly referred to seminary as "cemetery." To be fair, they were referring the non-life-giving aspect of filling your head with lots of theological head-knowledge without applying it to your life, which many seminarians did and still do. I was in YWAM, actually applying God to my life, so seminary never really appealed to me. When I realized that Fuller had graduated some heroes of mine, and I knew I had a passion for theology, my interest grew. I also realized that seminary is not just for traditional pastors; but it can be for any type of Christian leadership role in or out of the institutional church. As someone who didn't feel the call to be a church pastor, this encouraged me.

One year ago I started an online application for Fuller Theological Seminary. I learned that they had an extension campus in Seattle which intrigued me. My wife and I had already been feeling a pull towards moving to the Seattle area and it seemed logical that doing seminary there would be the best of both worlds. During that year I took trips to visit Fuller's main campus in Pasadena, California as well as their Seattle campus. I had an amazing time at both campuses. Both trips were spontaneous and financial "walks of faith" for me, which are amazing stories in and of themselves.

But even after all that, two things still kept me from finishing my application. First, we didn't have the money to move there, let alone afford seminary, so my faith was weak on believing my plan would become a reality. Second, it was a long application that included essay questions which were difficult to answer and the fear of not "getting in" because I didn't say the "right things" was paralyzing me. After discussing this fear with some friends, and getting some prayer and encouragement, I finally decided within myself that I was going to finish it, no matter what! So I escaped my home with all its distractions, went to the library, and I spent most of the day there busting out the bulk of my essay questions. When I finally had it all ready to send in, I realized I needed to come up with $75 for the application fee. I asked my mom if I could work for her around her house to earn it. Once I had my $75, I victoriously sent in the application. I felt so good about finally following through with putting action to my dreams. It was a step of faith.

I knew it could take about 4 weeks to get word from Fuller. The excitement was building and my plan to not tell anyone until I got accepted was starting to breakdown. I told a few about it and the more I told, the more it was psychologically cemented in my head that it was happening!

So after 4 long weeks of checking the mailbox everyday, as if looking for a love letter, I finally got the letter from Fuller. No one was home, so I sat down by myself, took a deep breath, and began to read the letter that I knew would influence my life direction!

In two short paragraphs, it said, (my paraphrase) "No, you are not accepted, but we wish you well." Wow. I was stunned. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I sat there wondering why they had decided this and why God let them say no after so many other things indicated He was "in" this plan of mine. As much as I tried to tell myself that God was just "closing one door so that He could open another" (as we Christians say to make ourselves feel better) the rejection still hurt. To make matters worse, when I called Fuller to try and figure out the "why" behind their decision, all I got was an e-mail form letter (accidentally addressed to "Reuben") saying that "It is standard seminary practice not to delineate the factors which led to the decision." It felt cold and impersonal, especially after baring my soul to them in those essays. Plus, I was hoping for some constructive criticism on what I needed to do in order to qualify.

Disappointment sucks! Rejection sucks! However, even as I write this, I know the truth is breaking down the protective wall that is currently attempting to form around my emotions. If I relied on my emotions, I would never try anything like this again because I might get hurt again, and I don't want that. The truth is, God doesn't reject me, and in fact, He accepts and loves me unconditionally. His love is all I need to carry me through this and into the next dream, adventure, or path that He has for me. I don't know what that is, or what it will look like, but I am determined to not let the disappointment of my past affect my future! It is true that God will open another door and I pray that I can have the courage to walk through it, risks and all.

Slumdog Savior

I watched Slumdog Millionaire last night. I hadn't seen it since I saw it in theater. What a beautiful movie! I could go on about all the reasons I love that movie, but I only want to highlight one. The young man that is constantly pursuing the girl he loves, no matter what horrible circumstances come their way, is such a beautiful picture of God pursuing us.

Even after she has rejected him, been held as a slave, and been hurt inside and out, he still wants her. He sees her beauty and is willing to do anything to have her. She loved him too, but for various fear-based reasons, didn't have the guts to pursue him. Until the end. And when she finally finds the man who has pursued her all her life, what does she do? As he gently takes off her head scarf, it seems she suddenly becomes self-conscious of her scar and looks down in shame that she is not as beautiful as when he saw her last. Irrational fear has once again gripped her and paralyzed her from thinking that she is worthy of being the object of his love. Maybe she thinks that his love is based on her looks and fears rejection. Maybe she is ashamed of something in her past. His response is so moving though. At first he looks concerned, or sad for her, out of genuine empathy. And then he gently kisses the scar as if to say both that he wants to heal her wounds and that he accepts and loves her just as she is, scar and all.

Wow. Such love and beauty in that story. And such a picture of what we do when we come to Christ and what He does in response.

Thank you Jesus for pursuing me and loving me, scars and all! I highly recommend you look at these pictures I found on someone's blog and and take some time to thank Jesus for loving you in this way too!

In Your eyes...

Looking for a job is not fun. You have to make a resume that doesn't represent who you really are inside, dress up in clothes that are not who you really are, put on a fake smile, and go out to "sell yourself" to someone in hopes that they might give you a chance.

If people could just see me as God sees me, a son of the King, things would be so much easier. But we don't even see ourselves like that. We don't act or think like the son of the King because we are blinded by our own faults and shortcomings. But if we are supposed to see ourselves like He sees us, it's time to start viewing ourselves as royalty. The Creator and King of all things is my Heavenly Father who loves me and wants the best for me! As this reality sinks in, I can feel my posture change, my confidence rise, and my countenance brighten.

I recently dwelled on this truth for a while just before I went in to give my resume to someone. Wow, what a difference! I was confident, personal, and didn't have the normal nervousness that usually debilitates me. I got a sit down interview, a tour of the business, and got to hang out with the staff for a while. What could have been a 5 minute chat turned into an hour and a half. I think they liked me! Heck, I liked me. I think I could get used to this "being royalty" thing.

Lord, give me eyes to see myself more like you see me. I used to think that when You looked at me, you only saw my sinfulness, but now I know that you see me with the love of a Father for his son. You see the beautiful person that you created me to be.

Divine appointment

After watching the movie, The Adjustment Bureau, it is only natural to wonder how much of life is God and His angels secretly nudging you in a certain direction while you think you are making independent decisions. For example, yesterday morning I had a "divine appointment." I thought that I had spontaneously decided to go to a playground and have coffee with my wife while my son played, but in retrospect, I wonder if God "adjusted" my thinking so that I would decide that. Because it is now obvious to me that I was meant to be there because what happened could not just be random coincidence.

First of all, there was only one other boy playing on the playground this morning, and he "just happened" to be the same age as my son. My 4 year old son Kaiden was his usual outgoing self and was happily playing with him within 4 seconds. The boy's mother was nearby, enjoying the morning while walking her dog and keeping an eye on her son. We didn't plan on talking to her, but when we heard Kaiden say to her son, "Can I have a play-date with you someday?" and the mother overheard too, we were "forced" into a conversation. Kids have a way of opening doors for us to talk with other adults, because when kids are so cute and honest, all the "walls" seem to come down as we adults get lost in the memory of our childhood and innocence. So we talked with her, as our kids continued to play, unaware that this was all a big setup for our divine appointment.

By the time we were done talking, we had a new friend that had just moved here from Washington state, was looking for a playmate for her son (who will be going to the same school as Kaiden), and has a husband who owns a business that needs to hire someone right away. We have a son who also needs more friends, I need a job, and I would love to know someone with professional "connections" in Washington in case we end up moving there. So, it seems that God had it all worked out for that meeting. Even if the job part doesn't work out, it shows me that God is thinking about me and cares about my needs. The way He works things out in such a mysterious way is so beautiful. They are beautiful adjustments. And that was my daily patch of Sonlight.

Today I get to meet the husband and see if he wants to give me the job. I am a little nervous since I don't have any experience in this field, but I have a sneaky feeling that God might simply "adjust" his requirements, and be willing to train me anyway. We will see.

Here I am, like it or not

This is my first sentence, of my first entry, of my first blog. It’s been a long time coming. And here it is. Wow. There are a lot of ideas in my head that are eagerly waiting to come out. Who knows what will happen when I lower that dam and pent up thoughts and words just start crashing down like a waterfall onto my blog. Will they make sense? Will anybody read them? Will anybody care? Who knows, but I am trying not to care. I am doing this for me just as much as for anyone else. I need to write for my own sanity. The writer in me wants to come out, so here I am. I will be honest though, I am a little scared. I know I will be exposing my inner thoughts for all to see. The thought of being judged, compartmentalized, or labeled as I put myself out there makes me a little fearful. But, all in all, it is worth the risk, right? I think of the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” The possible reward is worth the possible cost of failing. What are the rewards of writing a blog? Relationship with you. As you get to know me, and I get to know you through your comments, and we share intimate revelations on our journey of life, a connection will form over time that is worth every word we write. Or at least that is how I hope it goes. We will see.

The name of this blog, Patches of Sonlight, was inspired by one of my heroes, C.S. Lewis. He was once was describing things of beauty and used the phrase “patches of Godlight.” I want to write about things that are highlighted by God in my heart and see the revealed beauty in them. I imagine a patch of sunlight coming through my window, my cat Pepper finding that spot and taking a nap in it. I want to find the patches of light that the Son of God has created and left for me to discover. I want to sit in that place for a while, and bring Him glory by writing about it. I hope that I can shed light on things that reveal aspects of God and beauty found in unusual places.

So where am I finding beauty today, you ask? It has already begun as my beautiful son and daughter woke up and gave me a big hug. I love hearing their sweet yet raspy morning voice say, “Good morning Daddy!” I see God’s beauty in their heart and I see glimpses of His love for me in my love for them. Just as I want the absolute best for them, He wants that for us. Just as I want to make a breakfast for them that will nourish them and give them the start to the day they need, so He wants that for us spiritually. So I am eager to find out what my Heavenly Father has prepared for me this morning and this day. I know He has something really awesome up His sleeve. Will I find it in my job interview? Will I find it in my setting up of ping-pong tables with my fellow ping-pong friends? Or will I find it in the silence of the hour that my wife and son are at the doctor, and I get to be alone with Him? When I find it, I will write about it, you can read it, and all will be right with the world.