My journey of following a dream

It all started a few years ago when I realized that many of my favorite Christian authors and ministry leaders had something in common: they went to Fuller Theological Seminary. I had never really considered seminary for me as a serious option before because many of my church and missions leaders were negative sounding when they jokingly referred to seminary as "cemetery." To be fair, they were referring the non-life-giving aspect of filling your head with lots of theological head-knowledge without applying it to your life, which many seminarians did and still do. I was in YWAM, actually applying God to my life, so seminary never really appealed to me. When I realized that Fuller had graduated some heroes of mine, and I knew I had a passion for theology, my interest grew. I also realized that seminary is not just for traditional pastors; but it can be for any type of Christian leadership role in or out of the institutional church. As someone who didn't feel the call to be a church pastor, this encouraged me.

One year ago I started an online application for Fuller Theological Seminary. I learned that they had an extension campus in Seattle which intrigued me. My wife and I had already been feeling a pull towards moving to the Seattle area and it seemed logical that doing seminary there would be the best of both worlds. During that year I took trips to visit Fuller's main campus in Pasadena, California as well as their Seattle campus. I had an amazing time at both campuses. Both trips were spontaneous and financial "walks of faith" for me, which are amazing stories in and of themselves.

But even after all that, two things still kept me from finishing my application. First, we didn't have the money to move there, let alone afford seminary, so my faith was weak on believing my plan would become a reality. Second, it was a long application that included essay questions which were difficult to answer and the fear of not "getting in" because I didn't say the "right things" was paralyzing me. After discussing this fear with some friends, and getting some prayer and encouragement, I finally decided within myself that I was going to finish it, no matter what! So I escaped my home with all its distractions, went to the library, and I spent most of the day there busting out the bulk of my essay questions. When I finally had it all ready to send in, I realized I needed to come up with $75 for the application fee. I asked my mom if I could work for her around her house to earn it. Once I had my $75, I victoriously sent in the application. I felt so good about finally following through with putting action to my dreams. It was a step of faith.

I knew it could take about 4 weeks to get word from Fuller. The excitement was building and my plan to not tell anyone until I got accepted was starting to breakdown. I told a few about it and the more I told, the more it was psychologically cemented in my head that it was happening!

So after 4 long weeks of checking the mailbox everyday, as if looking for a love letter, I finally got the letter from Fuller. No one was home, so I sat down by myself, took a deep breath, and began to read the letter that I knew would influence my life direction!

In two short paragraphs, it said, (my paraphrase) "No, you are not accepted, but we wish you well." Wow. I was stunned. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I sat there wondering why they had decided this and why God let them say no after so many other things indicated He was "in" this plan of mine. As much as I tried to tell myself that God was just "closing one door so that He could open another" (as we Christians say to make ourselves feel better) the rejection still hurt. To make matters worse, when I called Fuller to try and figure out the "why" behind their decision, all I got was an e-mail form letter (accidentally addressed to "Reuben") saying that "It is standard seminary practice not to delineate the factors which led to the decision." It felt cold and impersonal, especially after baring my soul to them in those essays. Plus, I was hoping for some constructive criticism on what I needed to do in order to qualify.

Disappointment sucks! Rejection sucks! However, even as I write this, I know the truth is breaking down the protective wall that is currently attempting to form around my emotions. If I relied on my emotions, I would never try anything like this again because I might get hurt again, and I don't want that. The truth is, God doesn't reject me, and in fact, He accepts and loves me unconditionally. His love is all I need to carry me through this and into the next dream, adventure, or path that He has for me. I don't know what that is, or what it will look like, but I am determined to not let the disappointment of my past affect my future! It is true that God will open another door and I pray that I can have the courage to walk through it, risks and all.